Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no