Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

me and the Superbowl rn

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses