Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

this FaceApp is creepy af

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket