Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

Not😆🤣

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.