Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
the official breakfast of 2021
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
