Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
You Might Also Like
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*