Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
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My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Good for him.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
If you love someone, let them sleep.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?