Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.