Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me