Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
edward fingerhands
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind