Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

sugar glider wrangler

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

superman landing like a plane on his belly

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

why does this building look like a guilty dog

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank