Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.