Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?