Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
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i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
📽️movie date🎞️
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop