Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
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Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
This is painfully accurate 😅
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?