Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

not seeing the problem

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

TEETH IS INNOCENT

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok