Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

Every
Single
Year

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Europe. Made in Germany.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.