dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
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*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.