Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes