Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

sailors wish they could swear like me

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

stop

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.