Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.