[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
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David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
dam girl
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.