Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

BRO LMFAO

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.