[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
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[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.