@smithsara79

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

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@shawnspree

My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground

*sighs

*kicks can

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

@ObscureGent

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

@RickAaron

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

@ArfMeasures

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

@JessObsess

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

@nbadag

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

@TheTweetOfGod

I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.