[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
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Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
That lamp looks PISSED.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.