Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
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If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.