Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
