Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
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I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.