(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
s
oc
i
a
l
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?