Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”