*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim