@IamEveryDayPpl

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

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@daemonic3

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

@DrakeGatsby

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

@perhapssomeday

No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

@LogicLaughs

I’m Not A People Person, Or A Morning Person, Or An Evening Person, Or A Going-Out Person, Or A Staying-In.. I’m Not Even Sure I’m A Person.

@JasonLastname

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

@CornOnTheGoblin

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha