*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.