I wish my condoms had little jokes on them, instead of in them.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.
I’m Not A People Person, Or A Morning Person, Or An Evening Person, Or A Going-Out Person, Or A Staying-In.. I’m Not Even Sure I’m A Person.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
The 6 types of sex
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha