Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.