Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

Got him!

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

And now we wait

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00