[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.