[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see