Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.