Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.