*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
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One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.