*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
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Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Canadian owl: Eh?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.