Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Thrilling chase underway

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Beware…..

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.