Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.