Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story