Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.