*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
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Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”