*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
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All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out