*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
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caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
💀😭
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
incredible text to wake up to
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting