Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.