Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

I have some bad news about people who work in offices