Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

beware of dog

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION