*drops mic*
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Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle

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Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”


Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*


HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?


I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.


All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.


Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy


I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I’m in Canada


“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?


My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.


Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.