Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?