*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I really had high hopes for this year though
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Ironic
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…