*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this