Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.