*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
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“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials