Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours
Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here…..
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?
Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?