@sixfootcandy

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

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@curlycomedy

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

@TitaniumToplass

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

@jen_says_nah

If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours

Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here…..

*pizza stays

*happy tears

@ArfMeasures

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

@living_marble

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

@caperbc75

Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?

@urmumsausername

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

@dorsalstream

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

@jessokfine

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

@Cpin42

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?