*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
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DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I love it all
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]