Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.