*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
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Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
This has made my week.