*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
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I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
don’t be scared
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I hate everything
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.