*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Squirrels before girls.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
That de-escalated quickly
