Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

Okay, I’m still confused…

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore