Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

What do you call a zombie who stir fries?

Dead man wokking

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

What kind of a cult is this?

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick