[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Got ya covered
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
best review i’ve ever seen
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”