Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Sure. Why not?

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

What?

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.