[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
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6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Good morning.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Seek kebab; not attention
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either