@david8hughes

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

You Might Also Like

@HatfieldAnne

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

@DothTheDoth

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

@ozzyunc

For my cardio I maintain friendships with two women who don’t like each other.

@Skoog

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

@crabgirl_

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

@EndhooS

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

@ventivodkacran

You’d think these people on Grey’s Anatomy would’ve already figured out that a major disaster is going to happen every year around May.

@welfarehoe

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!