[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

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My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.


At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”


Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.


There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god


Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich


*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*


Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret


Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests


The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.


You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha