@david8hughes

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

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@Tw1tter_K1tten

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

@packageoflies

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

@jimmytorosian

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

@ElizaBayne

There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god

@zachreinert03

Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich

@iwearaonesie

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

@Browtweaten

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

@daemonic3

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

@AsYouNotWish

The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.

@Iwriteforcats

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha