*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
For my cardio I maintain friendships with two women who don’t like each other.
saying “eat the rich”
-makes people think you’re a cannibal
saying “ok boomer”
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
You’d think these people on Grey’s Anatomy would’ve already figured out that a major disaster is going to happen every year around May.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!