Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Doug is just Canadian for dog

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

I have many caverns

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey