*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
You Might Also Like
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
2 years later
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons