[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
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Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
May never get over this
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
When I pack too much for a short trip.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.