Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

This is painfully accurate 😅

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Sir!!

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.