Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE