[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
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Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Weighing up my bread heating options
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.