@david8hughes

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

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@Home_Halfway

The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

@sixfootcandy

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

@ItsSamG

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

@SteveHofstetter

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

@seamussaid

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

@brunopieroni

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

@MooseChuckleTag

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

@shutupmikeginn

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town