Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
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Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
