Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Camping tip: No.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅