Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Ummm 😳
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Pigeon open mic night.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.