Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

#CoronaOutbreak

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*