Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.