Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face