Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

somewhere, in an alternate universe