Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Pigeon open mic night.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday